Do I Think I’m Jesus?

I am going to be honest in all my writing. I cannot expect my readers to start to tell their story, honestly and from the heart until I have demonstrated that I can do the same and furthermore display I have derived some benefit from doing so. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to write…

The truth behind me thinking I am Jesus or not was not a consideration in my life until recently. About 3 years ago, during a hospital admission, a fellow patient turned round to me and said “Jesus is back and alive, I can see it” staring thoughtfully into my eyes. This got me thinking. My mind started to click into gear. A low one at first, but I quickly moved through them and found my thoughts racing. It all seemed to happen overnight. Such a monumental shift in my surroundings. All of a sudden I was presented with a plethora of patients who thought they were Jesus Christ. “My name is Christopher Jones” one young man said. “Don’t you see, it must be me”. As I got more unwell, my thoughts raced and, I began to create reasons why I was Jesus. I was getting, what seemed like, an awful lot of attention from other patients. Do I look like Jesus, I started to ask myself? Does my name Newson imply something about the Lords resurrection. I am not religious. I believe in a higher force but I don’t like to think of one God who presides over all creation. I found myself coming up with more reasons as to why I was Jesus as to reasons I was not. Does this mean I thought I was Jesus?

I feel as though I sometimes get special attention. It has not been uncommon place for people to bow to me. Especially patients in hospital. I ignore it. I don’t feel it is necessary even if i was to think I was Jesus.

At the end of the day, I ask myself, who would like to be a Man who died so mercilessly and so horrifyingly nailed to a cross. Let’s face it, it takes a great deal of passion and desire to live up to being the Son of God who sacrificed himself so that he could save the world on his return. So, despite my consideration in the past, I have distanced my thoughts from any belief that I am here to save the world. I have my plans. Most would call them grandiose, but I believe any one action can change the world for the better. I read a great quote recently, that I would like to leave you with –

A vision without a task is but a dream, a task without a vision is drudgery, a vision and a task is the hope of the world – UNKNOWN

2 thoughts on “Do I Think I’m Jesus?

  1. We spend our childhood playing pretend games. We are encouraged to be the characters we dream of… ‘You are such a beautiful princess!’… ‘Oh what a strong and clever fireman you are!!!’… ‘You can be any superhero you want!’ And we actually believe that we become and are the heroes of our dreams. Some of us can never let go of that pretend world and so grow up to be involved in acting or other similar activities. I remember watching ‘‘The theory of everything’ a wonderful film about the life of Professor Stephen Hawking played by the wonderful Eddy Redmayne. In parts of that film I became confused. The acting was so good that I lost track and thought I was watching the real Stephen Awkins. Funny cause I’ve never met professor Hawkin so how would I know what he was truly like but also even better did the actor really believe that he was him to be able to reach such high standard of performing. My point is that we are surrounded by an accepted world of make believe and yet when psychosis is the cause of such make believe we cringe and the judgement begins.
    A few years back I had the privilege of meeting a very clever and witty man. He had suffered a breakdown following the loss of his wife. He had been admitted in and out of hospital for years and that is where we met. He was a very interesting grounded person and yet he would switch without any warning to being Hitler. He would stand tall and give us all orders and tell us how great he was and sometimes even spoke in perfect German. In that moment, he truly believed that he was Hitler. To me, witnessing his behaviour was fascinating and heartbreaking. To some of the other patients his behaviour became almost like a game and they too started to act out being part of his gang or being scared of him. You would often hear people ask: ‘Where’s Hitler today?’ It had become his signature! To others to whom we told the story, it was pure madness and they would judge him as crazy. I can tell you that he was far from crazy. He was unique!
    I am not a religious person and I don’t believe in great powers either but I have for many years argued that yes, there would have been a man called Jesus and that he indeed suffered from psychosis and in his journey to find understanding of his suffering and comfort he went travelling to seek others like him. And so to me, many of the stories that are written in the bible are based on episodes of psychosis involving hearing voices, hallucinations and other associated behaviours. And so those that became involved in the world of Jesus became non judgemental of him and found comfort in him experiencing the same as what they maybe did and making sense of their suffering. To those whose minds did not suffer, the outcasts were just a bunch of weirdos and as you can see not much has really changed in society today! Andrew you have a very strong aura. There is something about you that makes people want to listen to you and get to know you. There’s also a very comforting side to you where one could sit next to you in silence and still feel your presence. I can only assume that in those times where you believed to be Jesus others sufferers also related to you in that way but even deeper as you were now seen as potential saver too. It must have been a very scary and yet enlightening experience.
    Of course, no one has to suffer from psychosis to understand the person that is suffering but we can educate ourselves and look past the psychosis at the person that is inside. The mind is a very complicated minefield and we still know so little about it. Andrew being open to sharing experiences as you are doing is the best way to empower others to find out what it is really like to be you. May you carry on the good work you have started writing these blogs. You are a true inspiration. Your dreams might be grandiose but nothing is impossible if we believe! XXXX

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